5 Socialites That Should Be Banned From Clubs

by Pete Tremblay
09.19.2011


Welcome to post-apocalyptic America, where mindless zombies stumble around in fine clothing, uttering complete nonsense in slurred speech, all while subtly controlling our mind and capturing our imaginations and are paid for it! Beyond all hope of understanding or reason as to where they came from, and how they got on TV, the socialites of the new millennium have hypnotized legions of followers to consume their faces and quote their lines.

“Losing” their sex tapes, and “forgetting” to close their legs while in front of the shutters of 1,000 paparazzi, these socialites, have inspired scores of imitators and fans to break out the blonde hair dye, wrack up their credit card debt, and basically become the walking dead of nightlife. 

From Brittany’s version of trailer park baseball, and Lindsay's tendency to dive nose first down the slopes of fresh Colombian powder, to being able to describe Paris’ inner workings and habit of swallowing her protein shake (cos she loves ya, baby), these celebutantes and socialites have brought mind numbing joy to the masses for nearly a decade now.

But where does it end? How can we stop this terrible virus from spreading? Two words. DENY ENTRY.

The following are the top 5 most heinous and unfortunately influential (pseudo) celebrities that should never be allowed in a nightclub again. With your help, we can rid the world of spray tans, catch phrases, and the role models that no one needs to have. EVER.



Paris Hilton:
Let me make this clear: Paris is the mother of all evil when it comes to this horrendous plague. She set the bar the highest and brought many a blossoming and potentially classy up and coming starlet under her dirty, dirty, wing in order to have play pals and later, people to make fun of in public. Paris is the reason that the word “frenemy” was brought into existence, double crossing a long and distinguished list of future socialites and bringing them all a little closer to rehab. She is the archetypical trust fund heiress who spent waaay to much time never being told “no” by anyone and getting back at daddy for all the times he gave her anything she ever wanted by screwing his mega-rich friends’ sons and videotaping it.

Reason she should be banned: Opening a nightclub in Orlando, Florida, indulgently named Club Paris, that amongst other things, welcomed club patrons to the scene with a giant Jewel encrusted Chihuahua at the entrance. 
Most memorable Moment: Straight to DVD: One Night in Paris. Find it online.






Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi:
Speaking of Snooking around, our final contestant comes once again from the Shore. This pint sized clubber apparently is so annoying that the country of Italy wanted to kick her out just for being herself. She’s loudest, crudest, cellulitebrity (although, she's definitely rocking a nice bod lately) in the world, and she should just be put out of her misery for being THAT annoying. And yet, her adorable little mug adorns just about every magazine that has come out in 2011. Men want her and women want to be her, and for that, the 7th seal of hell has been opened to the world.

Reason she should be banned: She’s more likely to get drunk, curse someone out, throw up and get punched in the face than she is to have a good time. You can take the girl off of the shore, but you can’t take the shore out of the girl.
Most Memorable Moment: "I'm a f---in' good person," Snooki said as police led her away in handcuffs after causing a drunken scene on the beach in July 2010. "I couldn't even tell you how I felt in that jail cell," she said post-bust. "It was like a phenomenon ... I'm not a phenomenon. I'm a train wreck.”






Lindsay Lohan:
Where do I begin? This once wholesome ginger haired, Disney bread, “nice girl” was a train wreck waiting to happen. As soon as LeeLo turned old enough to be a “Mean Girl,” she discovered that yes, boys (and girls) DID pay attention to her blossoming assets, and yes, she could do, drink, snort and run into anything she felt like without fear of consequence. This glass house came crashing down after Paris decided that poor, poor, Lindsay couldn't hang with the big girls, and deserved to be labeled the whore she really was on National TV. That's okay Leelo, Sam Ronson is there to save you from yourself, oh wait...

Reason she should be banned: Voted most likely to snort blow off of a toilet seat in the bathroom, and forgetting to wipe after!
Most Memorable Moment: Crashing (multiple cars) while DUI and not even having the Memorable Moment to leave a note!








Miley Cyrus:
Could the daughter of the guy who wrote “Achy, Breaky, Heart,” be anything less than a forthcoming shit storm of daddy issues, teenage rebellion, and jailbait? It was clear from her childhood that Smiley Miley, another successfully wholesome alum from the Disney channel, would become the poster girl for sexting pictures and horrible tattoos. We all should have known by the age of 15 (upon posing for inappropriately suggestive) half nude photos while sitting on Daddy's lap, would turn out as bad as possible. The moment she turned 18, she quit Disney, stopped wearing bras and started slutting it up in LA. All in all she isn't quite the greatest roll model for your kids.

Reason she should be banned: Teenie Boppers don’t belong in VIP.
Most Memorable Moment: Nobody likes an 18-year-old hoochie screaming "OMG I'm so drunk," like its their first time at a nightclub, especially when IT IS their first time at a nightclub. Mix that with a princess complex, and limitless amounts of money and you've got a recipe for disaster.






Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino:
You can’t really blame Mike “The Situation” for being true to his roots. MTV decided one day that they wanted to make loads of money by creating an ironically hilarious series about the loud mouthed, alcoholically charged, short tempered, Ed Hardy wearing, slutty subculture of 20 somethings from New Jersey. What could possibly go wrong? “The Situation,” best known for his abs, squinty eyes and fake tan, is the sensitive leader of the group.

Reason he should be banned: You know those guys who buy every single girl wearing a halter top a drink at the bar, hoping that they're already so drunk that they forget who their boyfriend actually is and end up making out with anyone who walks by? Yeah, The Situation is that guy.
Most Memorable Moment: (while the camera’s are rolling) “I’ve got a secret that you absolutely cannot tell anybody bro… I kind of hooked up with Snooki.”


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