Why You Shouldn’t Eat or Drink Before a Night Out

by Humberto Guida
01.07.2011

Eating light foods before a hard night of serious partying is usually a good idea. You should eat something. Drinking on an empty stomach is a recipe for a disastrous outing, but don’t eat heavy. Because if there’s anything that can ruin a fun night out it’s a bad case of the poops.

Yes, having to go #2 in the middle of cocktails and dancing just sucks. Not only do you have to wait in the long line, sometimes having to deflect conversation from random social butterflies who are too hammered to just stand there and leave you alone, but now you have to wait for the stall (if you’re a guy) and then keep the stall door from opening wide while you construct multiple paper barriers on the toilet seat and finagle your ass into a suspended squat so you can pull off a fast one before anyone in the restroom knows you unloaded yourself.

So think before eating a big, greasy meal before you hit the club. And don’t drink too much either. Sometimes the lines for the bathrooms (even the guy ones) are so long you come close to pissing yourself while you wait. Other times, you actually do. 

Once, I couldn’t wait for the long line to restroom. So I walked behind an exotic plant, pulled down my fly, and whizzed in the large vase containing said plant. As soon as I jiggled my junk, ticked it away, and turned around to vacate the area, an enormous bouncer grabbed me by the collar and dragged me into the hallway, where another equally enormous bouncer waited.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing, asshole?!” yelled one of the bouncers.

I knew I was caught with my tinkling dick in my hands so I just admitted, “Look bro, I have a small bladder. It’s a medical condition. I had to go or it was gonna burst!”

The other bouncer proceeded to make the situation worse. “The plant over there is fake,” he told me. “And now there’s a vase full of piss we gotta move.” Just then, my fate was cemented by some jerk-off bumping into the fake plant, sending it (and all my urine) across the dancefloor… and boy did I have a lot to drink. Anyway I got tossed outside on my ass and told never to come back again or I’d be arrested. I hated that club anyway.

What was the lesson? Oh yeah, don’t eat and drink too much before going out.

I can see you… but not like, in a stalker way or anything like that.
- HG
 

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