Fruity Drinks for Guys

by Humberto Guida

Drinking fruity drinks is one of three gay things I do. Every straight guy has two or three homosexual tendencies. My other two are crossing my legs effeminately when I’m sitting for too long (it’s a late-onset tendency I started doing a couple of years ago, when someone convinced me that it’s better for circulation), and using a fork and knife to eat pizza (it’s greasy, bro). I guess trimming my pubbies on special occasions toes the line, but most reasonably groomed men do that nowadays.

Now, I know there are guys out there like me who like to sip on something alcoholic that may be a little sassy or somewhat silly, maybe even bright pink, but most importantly sweet and delicious… without looking like they’re rushing a sorority. You guys have the right to go on and drink those fruity drinks. Hey, get in touch with your feminine sides. Doing that helps us communicate better… or some shit, I don’t know how to say it.

So here it is. Unabashedly and unashamed, I present a list of my favorite fruity concoctions:

Mai Tai
A classic and, I don’t care what anyone says, tasty elixir of rum, fruit juices and syrup. There are many versions of this drink, but essentially it is white rum, dark rum, lime juice, and rock candy syrup, among other ingredients. When done right, it’s deliiiiish and two of them should be enough to knock you off your ass.

Rum and Pineapple
It’s simple. It’s easy. It’s rum, preferably spiced rum like Sailor Jerry, and pineapple juice. Try and screw it up… just try.

Watermelon Or Other Fruit-Flavored Margarita
I know what some of you are thinking: a margarita should not be messed with. You do it old school, you make it tart, you throw some extra lime in there if you want to be cute, and you put salt along the brim. But the truth is, a fruity margarita done right, with fresh ingredients like watermelon puree, mango pulp, or fresh cut tamarindo, is about the tastiest drink on earth.   

The madras is an easy drink to nurse when you just want to waif about the party looking blasé about the art, or music, or people… you get the picture. It’s an acidy cocktail consisting of vodka (a soft, smooth brand like Belvedere is good for this one), orange juice, and cranberry juice. It’s not too bright, or frisky looking, but it’ll get you in the mood.

Vodka Soda With Extra Lemons
This one is easy. My pick is Kettel One Vodka. You mix it in tonic if you don’t like cutting corners, or maybe club soda if you’re cutting back on the cals. Then you ask for extra lemons – like three or four wedges, five even. The point is to make a freaking lemonade out of it. Enjoy.

The Almondy
I want to make it official right here that I take credit (along with an actor friend of mine who bartended) for creating this drink. It might have existed somewhere else (I’m open to that possibility), but I swear to God that I had never heard of or tasted this drink before me and my buddy came up with it. It’s one part Stolichnaya Vanilla Vodka (I’d never drink that other than in this drink, which it was created for), one part pineapple juice, and one part Frangelico. I thought it tasted like… almondy. So, I named it “The Almondy.” It’s perfect for dessert.

There you go guys. Drink them confidently. In fact, flaunt these fruity drinks. It says a lot about how comfortable you are with your sexuality.

(And completely gratuitous, a picture of me in my cast...)

I can see you… but not like, in a stalker way or anything like that.
- HG

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