All Hail The King and Queen!

by Eats & Beats
05.12.2010

Although I alone am “The Party King of the World,” I must still pay tribute to, and bestow honor upon, the regional party kings and queens throughout the land. That being said, and this being my first report from Miami Beach, I bow to Thomas Kramer, “The Party King of Star Island” and to Naomi Wilzig, “The Party Queen of South Beach.” (Yes, my mom is one of the world’s biggest party animals. I guess it’s in my genes).

First up: Thomas Kramer, “The Party King of Star Island.” (Sorry mom, but even in the game of chess, the king comes before the queen). Once again, Thomas Kramer has proved his party prowess. When it comes to partying, he is the star of all stars on Star Island – no small feat, considering Gloria Estefan and P. Diddy both have homes on this uber-exclusive celebrity island. While Thomas’ parties are consistently great (the mark of a true champion), I believe his last one, to celebrate the birthday of Michael Capponi, was his best ever.

To honor the birthday of superstar club promoter, Michael Capponi, Thomas Kramer went all out with an Alice in Wonderland themed costume party. In a nutshell, it worked like a charm! Maybe it was because a remake of the classic movie has just resurfaced in theatres across the nation, or maybe it was because people in Miami Beach were just in the mood to get dressed up. Whatever the reason, Alice in Wonderland wackiness ruled the night!

Upon entering the Kramer compound, guests were met by a 12-foot fire-breathing dinosaur. (Didn’t matter that there was no dinosaur in the movie, it added to the surreal atmosphere anyway). Right away you could tell that this was not going to be an ordinary party. Multi-colored jets of water criss-crossed the courtyard, reminiscent of the Bellagio water show in Vegas. As you entered the hallway, you knew immediately that you were in the home of a wealthy and powerful man. Stuffed animals from a safari hung from the walls (I felt sorry for the giraffe). As you proceeded through the palatial estate (think the home in The Godfather or Scarface) you began to smell a feast fit for a king being prepared on the enormous outdoor grills. The air actually became delicious. And once you reached the pool patio, the acid trip minus the acid began. More than a 1000 brightly colored mad hatters, bunnies, queens, kings, cats, mice and other creatures from Wonderland were everywhere. To top it off, they were eating, drinking and dancing under the stars. The impact was enormous, made possible only by the fact that everyone at the party was dressed creatively. That’s what made the difference between this being just a great party versus a legendary party. The legend himself, Thomas Kramer, had the best costume of all (as all hosts should).

A “Party King” must lead by example… by action, not word. And so Thomas did, dressed like a real king out of the hit Showtime series “The Tudors.” The party could easily have been christened “Thomas in Wonderland”… he looked that good.

Besides Thomas holding Court, you will find that the entire “crème de la crème” of Miami Beach nightlife was also in attendance having the time of their lives. This was a tribute to Eric Millan, the “King of all Nightclubs” in Miami Beach, who provided the amazing music and exclusive guest list.

Hail King Thomas, your loyal subjects await your next bash. LONG LIVE THE KING!

Ok mom (I mean, your majesty, my apologies)… you’re up!

It’s one thing for my mother to own the greatest collection of erotic art in the world, but it’s quite another for her to use that collection as a backdrop for her Royal 75th Birthday Celebration. Throw Barton G, the number one event organizer in America into the mix and, well, orgasmic is the only way to describe the result!

Every guest who arrived at my mom’s museum, The World Erotic Art Museum (The W.E.A.M.), on the corner of 12th Street and Washington (literally the Times Square of South Beach, adjacent to Club Mansion), was formally welcomed by the blaring of English Longhorn trumpets and escorted in by traditional Buckingham Palace guards (something you never hear or see in Art Deco South Beach)! You knew from the start that this was going to be a royal affair fit for a queen. Sure enough, as you exited the elevator, there she was, the “Queen of Erotica,” my mom dressed like the Queen of England, sitting on her throne wearing a magnificent jeweled crown and holding a gold scepter. Male guests bowed and female guests curtseyed to Queen Naomi, wishing her a Happy Birthday.

Inside, guests were already eating, drinking and being merry. How could you NOT be merry when you are surrounded by over 4,000 pieces of erotic art from all over the world? That’s a lot of penises, vaginas and orgies by anyone’s standards (including Jenna Jameson’s). Many people were overwhelmed by the amount of sexual art surrounding them at all times, no matter what wing of the museum they drifted into. Some guest stopped to see the replica of a chair owned by the kinky Catherine the Great, while others stopped at the Kama Sutra bed with four large wooden penis posts holding up the mattress. Everyone stopped to admire my mom’s eight-foot gold penis and balls to have photos taken, but the highlight of the party was the unveiling of her birthday gift from her partner, J.C. He commissioned a sculptor to create the greatest illusional art that anyone had ever seen. Everyone crowded around a sculpture of a devilish cupid with a huge erection, that when spun around on a disc, cast the perfect image of my mom’s face on the wall. The crowd literally gasped (me included)!

Besides the 4,000 erotic sculptures, paintings, drawings and photos, which blew people away, there was also LIVE erotic art for the Queen of Erotica’s 75th. Two of the most gorgeous girls (with incredible bodies) and two of the most handsome men (both hung like horses) were painted from head to toe to look like naked aliens. They were positioned in 12-foot frames, which they could step in and out of, like 3D erotic creatures come to life. I thought I’d seen it all, when suddenly my 75-year-old mom took her royal scepter, tapped it on the head of one of the naked male’s genitals and said “Rise I say! I command you, I’m your queen!” The crowd went hysterical with laughter – and to think I’m to blame for my mom collecting erotic art. She was more than content to just collect antiques like any good traditional Jewish mother, when I asked her to do me a favor and please find me a piece of erotic art for my New York bachelor pad. I figured that a sexy conversation piece on my coffee table would put the girls in the mood for the “real thing.” At the time, my mom actually had no idea what I was talking about, but she soon became obsessed with collecting and opened her museum. All I can say is I pity the fool who misses her 80th.

Hail Queen Naomi! Your loyal subjects await your next bash. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN!

Life at best is short. PARTY TILL YOU DIE! 
-Sir Ivan aka Peaceman
“The Party King of the World”

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