NYC Doorman Superlatives

by JRL
01.18.2010

Most Talented: Stephan Seguin (Griffin)
Stephan works his door calm, cool, collected and with a witty, dry sense of humor. Well-respected and unparalleled in the business, this sharp chap is a human bullshit detector, so you better “come correct.”

Most Pathetic: Rich Thomas (Avenue, Marquee)
No one is really sure what Rich actually does for Strategic Group, but I've determined that this passive prick is about as useful as a live cock at Rosie O’Donnell’s house.

Most Incompetent: Frank (Tenjune)
This former Tenjune barback and newcomer to the TJ door exercises about as much door control as Michael J. Fox sans meds. The only difference is that Mr. Fox has more of a grip.

Most Balanced: Ross Hutkoff (Hudson Terrace)
Having worked everywhere, Ross knows the biz and isn’t easily impressed. He’s one of the only veterans in the game who's never had an ego. Ross is so humble and approachable that those convicts on the street selling roses would likely proposition him.

Most Dignified: Ruben Rivera (Juliet)
Ruben has as much ‘tude as Noah Tepperberg has hair. He’s extremely savvy and crowd-centric. No wonder the new Jon B. hotspot, Juliet, has some of the hottest numbers in town.

Most Stylish: Matt Oliver (Revel, Day & Night)
Matt applies his personal style to his standard of entry. Bring your couture.

Most Hated: Aalex Julian (Tenjune, SL)
Aalex is as insulting as he is incompetent… and inflated. Ask Aalex about the time he was propositioned by a patron interested in purchasing a table and responded by saying, "I don't sell tables, I sell real estate.” This is like trying to sell yourself to a woman that you’d like to bring home by saying, “I don't sell orgasms, I sell regret.” Well Aalex, if real estate at Tenjune were on the market, it’d be advertised as, “two-and-a-half glory hole stalls with a tramp-stamp view and loose plumbing.” Try out your best euphemism with this detested deviant: “Aalex isn't bald, he's hairless.” Then ask him what the extra “A” in his name stands for.

Most Civilized: Franz (The Gates)
Franz is so cordial and verbally astute that he could make Roman Polansky feel good about being denied entry at the door of a Girl Scout meeting. He’ll tell you up front if he’s buying your cookies.

Most Inconsistent: Romaine (Kiss & Fly)
Romaine’s door flow is about as constant as Mel Gibson's pulse in Shul. Make up your mind, Romaine, is this Marquee or a high-end venue?

Most Misunderstood: This category deserves a tie. Binn (1Oak) & Gans (The Box)
These two brothers are surprisingly likable from the other side of the velvet rope. Their game is stern and should be taken at face value: think Ken Jennings with a mental clipboard and an eye for models.

Most Scrutinized: Wass Stevens (Avenue)
Wass may get a bad rap, but he happens to be cordial and reasonable if you don’t cross him. This victim got away easy. Be careful what you feed this veteran; he worked the door in ‘Nam. 

Most Likely to Work the Door at Bed Bath & Beyond: Danny Volk (Tenjune, SL)
While technically not a doorman, this employee of the EMM Group is a Manager at SL. He's reportedly the former college roommate of Eugene Remm, whose passive Napoleonic narcissism has successfully run Tenjune into the ground. I've seen Danny exercise his ineptitude by admitting a group of teenagers just to reject a high fashion runway model. This guy can work a door about as well I can work a Church. The difference: I'd at least pull some donations.

Click here to follow JRL on Facebook and Twitter. For more JEWced be sure to check back every Monday at clubplanet.com/jrl.

The comments stated in this column are Justin Ross Lee's personal opinions and do not represent the opinion of Clubplanet.com or any one of its parent companies.


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