Guido's Guide to WMC

by Ryan B
02.29.2008

Hey you.  March is getting closer, and that waxed six pack and fist-pump-and-hop dance aren't going to perfect themselves.  Look no further. Ryan B's 12 rules for WMC popularity will make sure you're 'roid ready to hit the beach faster than you can say Danny Tenaglia. 

1) Stop going to clubs in NY/NJ after New Year's Eve. This way you can start to save money and brain cells in preparation for WMC 3 months later.

2) Start taking steroids. Preferably three or more different kinds at once. One to make you big. one to cut you up and another one just for shits and giggles. Go to the gym everyday and drink a protein shake with every meal.

3) Make an appointment with your barber hairstylist two months in advance. This way your mohawk will be at peak performance and the designs in the side of your head will be fresh for your arrival to Florida.

4) Go tanning right after your haircut. This way you have a base tan that will start to peel only on the 3rd day in Miami, and not the 1st or 2nd. You also want to tan the skin showing from the new designs in your haircut so it's not pasty white.

5) Get a new tattoo in a random spot on your body that will look cool for the WMC, but will look even stupider when you’re on the beach with your kids and grandkids in 50 years. The best places would be the belly button, ribs, forearms and across your chest.

6) Go shopping and buy all the t-shirts with skull designs and glitter. Make sure you buy the one you think that every single person in Miami will have. Some of my recommendations are Ed Hardy and Christian Audigier. If you can’t afford those brands, just go to Macy's and scour the bargain bins.

7) DO NOT buy dress shirts or dress shoes. You don't want to go to those type of places where you have to dress up... you can’t take your shirt off so why bother?

8) Buy the biggest pair of sunglasses you can find. Particularly ones that have the name of the designer as big as it can get so everyone can read the name from across the club or the Shelborne pool.

9) Practice your dance moves in the mirror with your shirt off so you can achieve peak performance on fist pumps and running/hopping/skipping in place to the beat of the music. Try to move your hips as little as possible. Just the extremities like your head and arms because those are the best maneuvers for getting attention, possibly knocking out an innocent bystander and/or causing a fight.

10) Get to the Shelborne pool area six hours before the party starts. This way you can claim the prime poolside real estate so everyone can see your new dance moves and neatly cuffed jeans.

11) Do the most amount of drugs humanly possible. This way you aren't hungry and don't have to pay for the overly priced food in Miami.

12) Make sure you come back 30 pounds lighter, broke, with a few less billion brain cells and skin peeling off every part of your body. Repeating this trend every year will allow you to achieve maximum WMC popularity.

 

 

 

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