Since time immemorial, Rockstars and Supermodels have enjoyed a symbiotic, sensationalist relationship. Thus, it seems fitting that my CMJ week was speckled with supermodel gossip. And, no, I don't intend to wax poetic about "America's Next Top Model" here, as I do believe that show and its insane clown-resemblin', bad-mamma-jamma, former-supermodel, take-me to-your-leader Tyra Banks prey upon impressionable young women. What? You're surprised that Misty has a social conscience? Don't worry, I won't be adopting a third world orphan any time soon, though I often have baby animals on the brain....

As the former caterpillars (baby butterflies?) above my eyes were waxed and plucked and snipped by my esthetician last week, I witnessed first-hand what FONCS ("Fear of Naomi Campbell Syndrome") can do to a person. My brow barber, known to many as the Eyebrow Nazi, was in a tizzy over the fact that a New York Times reporter had mistakenly (hmmm...) claimed that the aggressive supermodel was dropped as a client. Over the past six months I've gotten my brows beautified for free, but after sharing her tales of "Na-Woe-Is-Me", the Eyebrow Nazi suddenly decided it was time to start charging me -- despite the fact that she did a shitty job this session. I should've charged HER for listening to all that broken English moaning and groaning while she groomed me (to the tune of $55 per 15 minute session, FYI). Then again, everything's a barter deal in this industry. 

But anyway, on the opposite side of the Supermodel spectrum from Campbell, there's Christy Turlington. According to my interview with her, she was the most "punctual, polite, and professional" model of her era, which are the qualities she cites that made her stand out from the sea of pretty faces and gaunt bodies that huddled beside her for warmth in the squathouse. I mean, on the catwalk. Nowadays she's known as Mrs. Ed Burns, who is not officially a rockstar, but does in fact have a band called the Blue Jackets. 

Listening to Christy speak, I imagined her to be a fantastic wife and mother. Cool, calm, ethereally beautiful (a series of Christy Turlington mannequins were crafted exclusively for the Costume Institute of the Metropolitan Museum of Art when she was named "The Face of the 20th Century"), Turlington-Burns had an angelic air that *almost* rendered her boring. But then a friend told me she had a lesbian (bisexual is probably more accurate) affair with Cindy Crawford back in the day. I had no idea! Sure enough, cameras have caught her smooching other Superhoochies on more than one occasion. Suddenly, I had a deepened appreciation for Christy's pop cultural value. Either way, George Michael's "Freedom 90" is one of the best videos of all time:

(As an aside, I once stood behind Linda Evangelista at the Citibank ATM on 23rd & 6th. I later learned she was like six months pregnant at the time -- and I totally did not notice -- which just goes to show how skinny they all are.)

Now, here's a Top Ten list of the all-time most compelling "When Rockstar Met Supermodel" couples:

1. Paulina Porizkova and Ric Ocasek: His funky mug is gonna drive her home, tonight.
2. Christy Brinkley and Billy Joel: I don't care if it's lame, I stlll love "Uptown Girl."
3. Axl Rose and Stephanie Seymour: She wore a mini-wedding dress in the "November Rain" video. Tres chic!
4. Rachel Hunter and Rod Stewart: If you want Rod's body and you think he's sexy...you're probably a blonde model. The man has a harem -- WTF?!
5. Heidi Klum and Seal: Frau Klum-Seal told Oprah this week it was love at first sight of her man's package.
6. Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall: I think these two might've started the trend.
7. David Bowie and Iman: Respect, yo.
8. Kate Moss and Pete Doherty: What a coupla' wankers.
9.Claudia Schiffer and David Copperfield: Wait. That doesn't count!
10. Petra Nemcova and James Blunt: OK, they were really the *least* compelling pair -- tied with Elaine Irwin and John Cougar Mellencamp. 

And now, what you've all been waiting for -- my indulgent Top Ten list of favorite musical acts and the Supersongs heard on/around CMJ week this year (in no particular order):

1. Dri: "You Know I Tried"
2. Fourth of July: "Surfer Dude"  
3. Gabby Glaser (formerly of Luscious Jackson): "Naturally High" 
4. Dirty on Purpose: "Girls and Sunshine"   
5. The Teenagers: "Homecoming" 
6. Small Sins: "We Will Break Our Own Hearts" 
7.The Brunettes: "Her Hairagami Set"
8. Culture Reject: "Inside the Cinema" 
9.Fujiya & Miyagi: "Collarbone"
10. Young Galaxy: "Outside the City" 

Finally, let me introduce you to two new Superanimals I recently came across. I like to think of the Toygers as Rockstars and the Skinny Pigs as Supermodels. See, I told ya I had baby animals on the brain!

Rock on,

Miss Misty Ri

For any of you who give a shit about my real identity, I recently had a small cameo in that SNL parody song with Andy Samberg and Adam Levine (of Maroon 5) last week. (Fun fact #103: I once was a video hoochie!) I was walking through my neighborhood and, quite literally, "I Ran" into the cast and crew filming. They even shot for a bit in the secret garden where I bring guys to make out. So, if you look reeeeeally closely, you just might catch a glimpse of moi -- good luck! Anyway, it's a brilliant little ditty: "You can deny the holocaust all you want/But you can't deny that there's something between us." So wrong, yet so hilarious. Even "Donnie Darko" makes an appearance! Listen up Jake Gyllenhaal, I say commit to Reese Witherspoon. Hollywood and the media and even your fans understand the burden of Ryan Phillippe's spawn, but I can really see it working between you two. She's a southern girl, she'll have your children (too), and everyone will be cool with it -- especially if you befriend Scummy Ryan the way Demi and Ashton adopted Bruce Willis...except, different, 'cuz Bruce basically finances that joke. Seriously folks, they don't call me Miss Misty Cleo Rios for nuthin'.

Speaking of Ryan Phillippe, there was this dude I used to know-in-the-biblical-sense in college that we (yes - WE - as in, at least five of my friends hooked up with him at some point too --gross) thought looked like a darker, but equally "cruel intentioned" version of the actor. Sleazy but charming, Phi Delta Dan was the exact kind of manwhore that dim bulb actresses like Heather Graham fall for. I interviewed her recently and the blondie locks beauty explained:

"I don't know if all girls have these moments or if it's just me, but you fall really in love with some guy and you think, 'If I'm not with this guy, I'm going to die -- I need to be with him!' It's probably just a low self-esteem thing, but every now and then I'll get a feeling like I have to work it out with this one guy in order to feel good about myself... that experience where you fall in love with a bad boy because he's not really good for you, and then you fall down that slippery slope of he's a total asshole and you gotta get away from it. It's almost like being addicted to drugs or alcohol."

Wow! That's intense, Heather. Are you that in love with your boyfriend, Star Room owner Charles Ferri?

"Yes. But he's a good boy, a very good boy. He kind of has a big nose, and I think it's really cute. It was one of the first things I noticed."

Yeah, me too, each time he hits on me.

Anyway, if you've seen the new Shape Magazine cover, it appears Felicity Shagwell has bigger things to worry about. Bigger even then her boyfriend's nose and loose libido. Maybe we should ask Bridget Moynahan or this no-name nympho to confirm the hermaphrodite rumor. Oops, did I just start that rumor?!

Heather Graham Kisses Bridget Moynahan

Another beauty with a thing for bad boys (Did you know the song "Baby Boy" was originally called "Bad Boy"? OK, I just made that up too!): Beyonce Knowles. However, Miss Queen Booty has successfully tamed and trained her former drug dealing sugar daddy, Jay-Z. With his estimated net worth of $547 million plus her $317 million, what are these two lovey-dovey-songbirds waiting for? Together they're almost a couple of billionaires. I mean, the wedding gifts alone should be enough to put them over the edge. Anyway, I chatted up the Bootylicious one last week, and she was eager to discuss her main man.

Misty: What are you listening to now?

Beyonce: Well, Jay's in the studio and his album is incredible. I will definitely have that in my ipod."

Misty: Are you excited that he's recording again?

Beyonce: "Oh yeah! It's the best I've ever heard from him, so I'm really happy."

Misty: Did you know he would come out of retirement?

Beyonce: "I know when you love music that it's hard to get away. I'm supposed to be on vacation, but I've been in the studio because that's what I love to do. I don't feel like it's my job. It's a blessing for me to be able to do what I love. That's how it is for everyone who loves music. I knew it would be difficult for him because it's a part of our make-up."

You see, Jay doesn't just like her because of that naturally slammin' bod and bootay, they have a musical connection. Very sweet. Now marry her, HOVA! To be fair, I think Mama and Papa Knowles have some say in this matter. Solange is a single mother, and nobody wants to see Beyonce end up like that...except maybe blogger Christine Coppa.

In fact, I've witnessed Jay-Z and Beyonce's baby-love first hand a few of times. I watched them get jiggy on the dance floor at Universal Music chairman L.A. Reid's 50th birthday and sixth wedding anniversary bash at Nobu 57 last year. Power manager Benny Medina summed up the event best, "When you walk into a party and you start dancing with Oprah Winfey, you bump into Janet Jackson, you're being held onto by Mariah Carey, and Lionel Richie is singing, now THAT'S a party!!!" It's true, the party was a "Who's Who" of mega-celebrities, but per usual, I was most impressed by the food: A sushi buffet lined the back wall, complete with an assortment of sashimi, edamame, sliced beef, black cod, noodles and much more, while waiters circulated the party with even more food. Two bars were set up, and cocktail waitresses passed a special mango martini for the occasion.

Rihanna, merely 17 at the time, was another party goer, and she kept getting mistaken for Ciara (also present). Strangely, the Umbrella diva (Heather Graham's favorite song, FYI) was not interested in the scrump-diddily-umptous cuisine (but Star Jones was), telling me, "I don't eat at parties. I'm just all about the music and dancing and having something to drink and having fun." I hope she was drinking a virgin mangotini! Meanwhile, bad boy Josh Harnett, 29, better not be slipping her drinks on the sly -- she's only 19 -- but that hasn't stopped the two from public displays of canoodling at Pink Elephant. He's a dawg, but a damn sexy if not ultra intelligent one. And us smart sistas know that's the best kind!

As y'all may have realized by now, I have this queer (as in weird) habit of dreaming about celebrities. So, I decided it might be helpful to check out a screening of The Good Night, Jake Paltrow's directorial debut starring sister Gwyneth. The lead actor in the film (some Brit) is having lucid dreams about Penelope Cruz, which is totally understandable. I have a little thing for her myself. I've only met her once, at last year's National Board of Review Awards. She's really petite and beautiful in person, but not cookie cutter -- she's got that interesting, crooked little smile -- and she's totally sweet and humble. Girl crush, alert alert! Now that Selma Hayek's off the market, perhaps I have a shot. I would even consider sharing her with on-the-DL BF Orlando Bloom, too. (Little known Misty fact #214: I interviewed Orli B. before he was famous. I pitched him to my editors who were doubtful, but my celebrity 6th sense was correct!)

This week, my old buddy Westerna was in town on business. She's like all important 'n shit in Washington, DC. Over dinner at the Spotted Pig, she told me her own little known famous fact: Hillary Clinton is the only first lady ever to be "painted in pants." Painted in pants! I love that phrase. I want it to be Hill's campaign slogan. Westerna also attended a UN function for President Bush while she was in NYC, and claims that Ozzy Osbourne and wife Sharon crashed the party stammering, "We're not here for bloody Bush, we're here for Elton!"
Apparently Elton John was having his own charity soiree on the 3rd floor at the Waldorf that night. KD Lang and Petra Nemcova made the scene, among other famous bois and girls.

Heading back downtown, I bumped into Jesse Bradford in the village a few days ago. Mr. Swimfan himself was with some petite brunette -- though not the same petite brunette that my buddy Scrat used to date. Turns out Jesse and Scrat have a certain female hairstylist to the stars (Christina Aguilera's extensions never looked better!) in common. I went out to dinner with the former couple once and dang, was the Clockstopper (Remember that crappy kiddie movie? I don't blame you) ever cocky. He thinks he's all tough because The Warriors is his favorite cult film. Really, you wrote a term paper about it at Columbia? Way to put that Ivy League degree to work! Scrat could totally kick his ass and then some.

In other douchebag news, John Mayer claims he doesn't remember being an ass to my friend Bossy. One of her friends bumped into him recently and told him off for his rudeness. It was five years ago, but as you know, biznatches never forget. Who the funk is this new Minka/Minky/Milky chick he's dating anyway? I guess I'm supposed to be in the know and what not, but I ain't never heard of her. Oh wait. Friday Night Lights. I hear that's a good show. Whatever.

Speaking of (former) unknowns, I finally viewed High School Musical hussy Vanessa Hudgens's baby beaver-n-boobs shot. I'm a bit afraid the Feds are gonna arrest me for having kiddie porn on my computer now... and if they do, I'm totally taking Socio Patrick down with me!  Some how, some way, some day...of course I jogged right into him the other afternoon, on his goddamn birthday too. What are the odds? Seriously, I was like a gift from God to him that afternoon (and in general). At least he claims he deleted my nudie shots. I'm sure he's got a few stashed away for safe keeping, though. Probably the most scandalous ones too. Ugh. If only I was more like the virginal Brooke Hogan, this never would have happened! I saw the She-Hulk hanging around Soho last week, which made me wonder: Is anyone shopping a She-Ra script around? Methinks Miss Hogan would be a fantastic casting choice.

Finally, I once believed it was my milkshake that brought all the boys to the yard, but ever since I started wearing Vulva parfum, I've had to beat the bastards off with a stick! S-Pack and I visited the Vibration Station last week, The Chief took me to a Genesis concert the night before (True confession: I heart Phil Collins!), The Smurf attempted to make nice via a certain social networking site (not happening), The Turd tried to make nice over IM (heck no), while the Boytoy and Billy Clubs attempted to locate my whereabouts as I remained *mistyriosly* aloof. What can I say? My heart -- and my panties -- still belong to D. Money. Oh, and the three hottie amigos (Pablo, Louis y Guillermo) I met last night. Just kidding! If only I were slutty enough to engage in a menage-a-quatre. Hmmm, how do you say that in Spanish?

Adios,

Mistylita Rios

I don't know if it's post VMA traumatic stress disorder or what, but I had this bizarre dream last night that Britney Spears was my sister (I guess that makes me Jamie Lynn?), Darth Vader was my father, Carmen Electra was doing one of her Pussycat Dolls routines on top of my bed, and in the meantime, the world was in the throes of Intergalactic Armageddon. You just can't make this shit up! And now, let me present to you some behind the scenes footage from the making of the "Baby Love" video by former-Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger, featuring will.i.am:

Is it just me or is she like totally Kim Kardashian's c*nt double? Check out my (second) favorite Kimmy K. video:

Online Videos by Veoh.com

Anyway, before we vacate the topic of making shit up, I have something to say: After sharing a large bottle of sake with a publicist friend at Momofuku the other night, I pranced over to my friend Krafty's apartment for a night cap of wine and freshly baked weed cookies. Krafty mentioned that she'd read my latest column and admitted, "If I didn't know you, I'd think you were making it up." Hmph! And the next night, over drinks at Room Service, my man friend Matty Scores suggested that some female readers think I'm full of myself because of all the tales of male admirers. What can I say other than believe it bitches! Seriously, my life isn't all celebrity parties and sex games. Right now it's 2 in the afteroon, and I'm sitting around in my pj's tweezing stray pubic hairs while I try to come up with something interesting to say. (True story: My friend JA tweezes it all off -- ouch!)

Speaking of grass on the field, I bet Evan Rachel Wood doesn't have much -- and that's just the way Marilyn Manson likes her. I caught up with the totally-weird-but-maybe-they-kinda-sorta-make-sense twosome last week at a screening of Woody's Beatles movie musical Across the Universe. When I interviewed her two years ago for her bad girl turn in the indie film Pretty Persuasion, Woody told me that she had a crush on her older man co-star Ed Norton from Down in the Valley, as well as "Ewan McGregor and David Bowie. All the guys that wear eyeliner -- that really helps," she confessed. See, it all makes perfect sense now! This time around, the semi-goth ingenue told me that her morbid main squeeze Marilyn is the "sexiest man" in the world. Judging from this video, either she 100% means it or she's an even better actress than I originally thought.

Poor ex-Mrs. Manson, Dita Von Teese. She never stood a chance against this Lolita-like little girl. (Woody's 19 but she looks 15. Marilyn is 38 but looks dead.) Rumor has it that Manson dumped Dita because Evan likes getting "donkey punched" during sex. Considering this excerpt from her movie Thirteen, the tall tale rings true:

It's funny though, a couple of years back I would've pegged Scarlett Johansson as the freaky sex lovin' type, not Evan Rachel. You know, right around that time when she was dating dirtball Jared Leto and "apparently" had sex with Benicio Del Toro in the elevator of the Chateau Marmont Hotel post-Oscars? (Hey, I'd get busy with anyone who looked like the dark-haired, evil twin version of Brad Pitt too!) Anyway, I love Scarlett -- she's one of my all-time favorite interviewees. When we met at the premiere of The Island she had a great sense of humor. As we were chatting, the photographers started yelling at her to turn to them at different angles...

"Do they ever use those over the shoulder poses? I don't get it! I never see them anywhere," Scarlett pondered.

"The tabloids use them sometimes," I offered.

"Unfortunately, I don't patronize tabloid magazines," Scar-Jo replied all-too-knowingly.

"So, where's Josh (Hartnett) tonight?" I ventured.

"I have no idea what you're talking about!" she demurred.

Only my Scarlett could be that undercover bitchy yet make me love her even more. She's one sharp, blonde crayon! Nowadays, Harnett is history and my girl crush is dating my boy crush: Ryan Reynolds. I really adore those two together! And I want to be a fly on the wall -- or an extra body in the bed -- when they invite their exes Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel over for biscuits and gravy.

In other couples news, bad boy Heath Ledger has been cavorting around town with former supermodel Helena Christensen since the break-up with baby mama Michelle Williams. Helena may be kinda old (though Heath likes 'em older, remember his fling with Naomi Watts?) Oh, and who could forget this steamy video... Helena at her hottest, but even at 39 she still looks damn good!



Finally, if you ask me, 39-year-old "Grey's Anatomy" star Kate Walsh is starting to look/act like a loony old bag already. Honestly, in some pics -- especially when she has bangs -- she reminds me of the horrid Kathy Griffin. No? 

A source recently wrote in: "I have a crazy story of Kate Walsh's wedding to 20th Century Fox co-prez Alex Young at the Ojai Valley Inn over the weekend. The power went out, then she had a panic attack in the middle of the ceremony and walked out with Alex, came back 10 minutes later. She apologized to the guests, saying that she was really nervous, hands got clammy, and she started to freak b/c her relationship was only 4 months old, and that she had her doubts but she knew this was the right decision. Finally went through with the ceremony. But how crazy is that? And how humiliating for her husband? This marriage ain't lasting for long."

Yowza! "Private Practice" debuts on ABC Sept. 26.

Toodles,
Misty "Dream Weaver" Rios