New Year's Eve 2012 may be, (if the Mayan calendar, quatrains of Nostradamus, and that Woody Harrelson/John Cusak movie are correct) the very last time that we stand together to celebrate the birth of the
New Year. As we count down to zero and call out a chorus of celebration this year, we will witness an illustriously illuminated star counting down the seconds to our tomorrow; with the indescribable excitement of the unknown uplinked and exploding on the screens in front of us – there will also be a huge glowing ball of light and LED numbers flashing to join us as well.
The true shining star of the evening, however, will be
Lady Gaga. The world’s advocate for fantasy and equality has been chosen to host the event this year – and with her an inevitable promise of shock, awe, and excitement and celebration - the likes of which the world may or may not be ready for (most of us that is).
As keeping within the spirit of 2012, I have come to you with the greatest of expectation and speculation in what I like to call, WWGD (What will Gaga Do?). Trout tierra’s for all, including 20-inch stilettos in the shape of the empire state building!
Recently I happened to come across a calendar from the mystical world of New Amsterdam so ancient and accurate that with the proper amount of Patron shots (17 total), I have seen the future. And in that future, I have seen the actions of the Goddess formally known as Lady Gaga.
OCCUPY NYE: Gaga will be so moved by the continuing Occupation of Wall Street, that she will host the ceremonies wearing the same Meat Dress that she donned on September 17th, in solidarity with the protestors. Unfortunately by this time most of the ensemble has been eaten or has decomposed for the good of the 99%.
WATCH THE BALL DROP: Lady Gaga - never to be outdone by anything - will actually double as the New Years Eve Ball. She will hang by her neck
above Times Square and be lowered down while an LCD petticoat counts down to 0. When she hits the ground fireworks will explode from her diamond encrusted bra and streamers will explode from beneath her dress.
FORGEDDABOUTIT: Gaga, truly the queen of misdirection and creativity will arrive for the event as Jo Calderone, her drag-king alter ego. True to her method acting roots, Jo, the 2011 reincarnation of a midget like Andrew Dice Clay, will get so hammered on cheap bourbon swigged from a flask, that he will inevitably knock out Co-Host Ryan Seacrest, after swaggering over to Dick Clark and making fun of him for having a stroke and pissing himself on camera.
GAGA 2012: Always one to speak her mind and use her celebrity for the power of good, 12:01 AM, January 1st 2012 will mark the moment that Lady Gaga announces her candidacy for President of the United States. Straw polls will later indicate that she is ahead of all other candidates by a 70% margin.
The Biggest Shock of all: In a move surely to be talked about for generations, Lady Gaga will arrive wearing an elegant and appropriate one of a kind evening gown designed by a reputable designer, her hair perfectly prim and proper dyed to a dark brown color, showing off her natural beauty with no frills or surprises. She will ask her co-hosts to address her as Stephanie, and will cheer with the rest of us when the ball drops.
