New York City is a magical place. Much like the fabled city of OZ that Dorothy Gale and her play buddies were massively disappointed by in the 19- - (oh who actually cares, your grandparents were still considered spritely and fit, and America was not a third world country) film The Wizard of OZ, the illusion that The City itself creates, transcends the reality of lies beneath. ?
Fashion as a whole has always been considered the best way to control the perception others have of your performance on the stage of life. Much like NYC, if it looks provocative, alluring, and magnetic, the reality underneath can be thrown to the wayside. As long as the lighting is correct, the cigarettes and cocaine are flowing, and you can see the outline of her ribs (and a little bit of nip) through that sheer shirt she’s wearing, the illusion is complete, and lets be honest, don’t we like it better that way?
But I digress, after all girls, (OMG!!!!) IT’S
FASHION'S NIGHT OUT! This weekend, Clubplanet celebrates the NYC staple event where ordinary people can walk right into Saks 5th Avenue, post up in the back,
steal a martini that someone else ordered, and marvel at all of the amazing and expensive clothes that will never be sold in stores, and wouldn’t fit you even if they were! But what are you going to wear? How can you stand out? An ordinary Joe or Jane, from Queens that made the trip to Manhattan in those platform shoes (Target) and Botox smile ($8 a prick, from the last Mary Kay Party your sister had) to be adored and noticed! Well, relax – you have the internet! There are a myriad of options from fashion websites that will give you the best suggestions for fitting that shape of yours,
following those trends, and making you look and feel like you belong; and absolutely fabulous to boot!
Let’s not mince words however. This is not one of those sites. I am not one of those people who would know what’s hot and appealing, and would best accentuate (or down play) your figure. However, being a (and I use the term lightly) journalist, I’m highly qualified at telling you what would make you look terrible, hideous and probably get you laughed at or at least not invited to the after party (after all, I was also a journalist in high school, and yes, I have loads of experience in all matters of
being stylistically challenged. I believe that this makes me an expert). ?Without further ado, the top three things not to wear to the NYC’S FASHION'S NIGHT OUT (OMG !!!!)
#3. JORTS: Are they jeans? Are they shorts? Well, it all depends upon what stage in their own timeline they are. At one point they were jeans (probably your favorite pair). But then times changed, the holes where the soles of your shoes rubbed upon them reducing them to brown stained threads have become too much and it was time to take em’ to the knife. Now, hipster-sheik in mind, these ex-jeans have been your staple for the summer. LETS ROCK ‘EM.
Wait, why not?! : There is a thin line between high fashionista and throwback to the trailer. Let’s be honest. You aren’t Daisy Duke. You aren’t even Jessica Simpson playing the role of Daisy Duke. They aren’t easy to pull-off, so tread carefully here or stay away altogether.
#2. Leggings and a Tunic: Okay. Well. We’ve seen the photos on TMZ of all of the celeb’s rockin’ the skin-tight, show-ALL-the-curves spandex leggings, with that white sheer tunic on top. Titillating, and suggestive, hinting at the fact that you aren’t wearing much underneath that first, already skin tight layer of lycra. With a wink and a few martini’s who knows what the possibilities are. As Paris would say, “That’s hot.”
Wait, Why not?! : Are you Mila Kunis? Do you have a 5% body fat? Do you go to the gym three times a day, drink a regimen of green smoothies, ½ salads with no dressing, and two lines of cocaine for breakfast? If you’ve answered “no” to these questions, then it could be a bad idea. Some clothing is meant to hide your imperfections, not accentuate them!
#1. Super high wasted anything/80’s geek sheik: Do you remember that 8th grade science teacher you had in the 90’s that wore those pleated high wasted jeans over her drooping belly so that she could hide the years of sitting at her desk, slowly growing older and more out of touch with reality? Remember those huge red glasses that she wore, and that t-shirt with the two wolves, howling at the moonlight with the inscription “Wyoming” under it? SO RETRO!
Wait, Why not?! : No. Not retro. Not ironic. Just stupid. Fashion choices such as this will make even the hottest girl with the most incredible body look highly reminiscent of that teacher and man was she hot. Wolves were unintentionally ironic when Napoleon Dynamite became the archetype for all future Williamsburg Hipsters. YOU WILL LOOK LIKE A FRUMPY HALF WIT THAT NEVER LEFT IDAHO.
Please take this to heart, as I am the last word on fashion! Eat your heart our Ana Wyntor.
