10. Matt Lipman (Promoter) – This image promoter has an immunity to pepper spray and a penchant for sucking straight from the bottle. While actually a human being during daylight, he has nothing to “Hyde” come nightfall. Sleazier than porn, yet less mainstream, he is the Larry Flynt of nightlife. The difference: VS the people, Mr. Flynt won the case.
9. Sally Shan (Promoter) – Sally is the only “nightlife ninja” in the business who could turn a happy ending sad by way of a Svedka hangover. As the only female Asian promoter in Manhattan, Sally has mastered the martial art of self-promotion, long-time. She exudes confidence not seen since the “Tao of Steve” while under a Tsunami of wrath from hateful critics. Like Buddha, she never fights back.
8. Number 8 has been removed due to technical difficulties.
7. Adam Glovsky (Promoter) – While harmless and congenial, Adam’s reputation is about as strong as his handshake. It takes FCC involvement to get off his mass SMS list and a week at “Promises” in Malibu to get off of anything else...
6. Jonathan Schwartz (Promotion Director) – When Apple designed the red ignore button on the iPhone, he had this relentless cold-caller in mind. When Jon rings, the best thing to do is tell him “I am happy with my current provider.” Jon Schwartz would try and scalp tickets to Synagogue on a Friday night. I haven’t seen such a pathetic and persistent sale since prom. The difference: I got laid.
5. David Jaffee (Promoter) – David should never have been a promoter; he showcases the social skills of Forest Gump with an Ivy League degree. He’s too fucking nice for anyone to take him seriously and arrogant without cause. He says on his Facebook, “From age 20-26, I was more successful than anyone else my age on Wall Street.” My take: 72.5% of statistics are made up on the spot.
4. Matthew Assante (Promoter) – If nice guys finish last, Matthew must have disappointed a lot of women. It’s been reported that this Bronx-Zoolander compensates his escorts girls so that he can fill his tables with talent. An aging stripper can always parlay her career into prostitution once she’s outstayed the daytime buffet. What does a “matured” promoter do once his reign has stopped making it rain? Matthew has as much time remaining as a Blockbuster video store. The best thing he could do right now is “be kind and rewind.” It’s a good thing his women and tables are rentals.
3. Me (Self Promoter/ JewJetter) – According to GuestofaGuest: “JRL would show up to the opening of an envelope.” When he’s not attacking Ashley Olsen or feuding with Star Jones, Justin is holding your Facebook mini-feed hostage with his “Jewnoxious” and disgusting antics. This self-proclaimed “JewJetter” would sneak a tripod through TSA if it’d fit in an overhead compartment. Just because his last name is Lee doesn’t mean he has to take more pics than a photographer at Korean wedding. If this fly-by-night character does have a soul it’s lost somewhere on a baggage carousel.
2. Aalex Julian (Rope Rat) – When you tell a girl that she needs to lose 10 lbs. to get into Tenjune, it’s easy to build a reputation as a prick. Aalex is responsible for more eating disorders than Anna Wintour – no wonder every door he works reeks of Roslyn regurgitation. He’s a doorman with the ego of a proprietor. Owners aren't freezing out on the street, Aalex; they're inside groping the waitresses.
1. Rich Thomas (Rope Rat) – Every asshole on this list has at least some redeeming qualities, but Rich Thomas is the sole anomaly to this rule. It is more affordable than ever to hate Rich. Since every interface is at your own expense, it’s become an April 15th write-off. An interaction with Rich Thomas is as easy to digest as a laxative latte. Within minutes he has both his co-workers and his customers running to the stalls – no one can stomach him. Make a valiant attempt at “hello” and be sure to drop my name when you’re back from the loo.
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The comments stated in this column are Justin Ross Lee's personal opinions and do not represent the opinion of Clubplanet.com or any one of its parent companies.
