Alright boys its time for the great Discothèque Safari! You’ve read all of the Men’s Health magazines on what to wear and what amount of crunches to do in order for you to get maximum female attention. You’ve armed yourself with two packs of cigarettes (both menthol and regular just incase), dowsed yourself with a French whore’s share of Issey Miyake’s “Intense” to give those pheromones a bit of a helping hand and those vintage green chucks are laced up with the brand new ultra white laces you just picked up. Jump into the Range Rover with four of your most trusted, equally armed and competitively confident mates, load the play list named “Thursday Night DT” and the expedition is underway, all while you’re singing along with Kanye’s’ “Flashing Lights” and drinking that Jack and Coke mixture enclosed so discreetly in a plastic coke bottle.
Okay, so you obviously have found the hunting ground; now it’s time for the chase. But wait a second partner…you’ve read everything there is to read about how to attract the female club-goer, but throughout that wealth of information and knowledge there are certain methods of attraction that once suggested seem like a good idea, but would take a mixture of George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and that douche from Twilight to pull off successfully.
The first rule of attracting someone (who you might actually enjoy hanging out with) on a night at the club is first and foremost be honest with yourself and have realistic expectations of who you can attract and than go for the hottest in your classification. Let’s be honest, we all have a certain amount of vanity engrained in the pleasure center of the brain be aware of yours and expect the same from any potential girl you might want to talk to. Here are a few other hints that will simplify the situation, show security in who you are as a person and also keep the creepiness factor down to a bare minimum (unless you ARE that douche from Twilight). Cheers and good hunting!
WHAT TO DO
RULE #1 - It All Starts on the Dance Floor
Fellas this one’s super important, so you’re going to have to try and make some sort of effort if you really want to impress your target. Now we all know that the majority of men just aren’t the best of dancers, they’re either too shy or weren’t brought up in a musical atmosphere at home. But for this one, just try and dig deep inside to find some rhythm to get those feet moving. Even if you’re acting like a fool (more like Ben Stiller in Along Came Polly, not Napoleon Dynamite) it’ll catch her eye. From then on it’s 50/50, you can either gesture her way to make it known you want to dance, or simply send over a smile. If she digs the moves, she’ll come. If she doesn’t dig the moves, it’ll be a bit tougher.
RULE #2 – Make sure to buy her a drink, or at least offer
Let this be a cardinal rule for all men, it’s always polite to ask a women if she’d like a drink. Don’t just send one over via the bartender, you never know if she’s not a drinker, then you’re stuck with an apple martini and just spent an extra $18 at the bar. Be a gentlemen, try and engage in some sort of communication, then simply offer to buy her a drink, even if she turns it down, she’ll definitely still appreciate the gesture, hence earning you more points. If she does accept the drink, then be prepared to buy more, because if there’s one thing that women expect after you buy them one drink, it’s more drinks. But hey, who knows what’ll happen after that. But whatever you do, don’t try and get them drunk purposefully. If it happens then so be it, but the last thing you want is to run into her again after trying to get her drunk. She’ll have a few things to say to her lady friends.
RULE #3 – Approach a Friend of Hers to Meet Her
So, if you’re really that shy of a person, there is one way you can get to that gorgeous brunette across the bar, and it’s not through a staring contest (you’ll know what we’re talking about later in the article). See that blonde next her, well that’s her BFF and somehow you’re going to have to muster up the courage to talk to her. If you do, just drop a simple ‘hello’ and a question; “I think your friend is gorgeous. Think she’d like to have a drink?” Sure anyone can say that’s cheesy, but if you think about it, it’s as straight forward as you can get without coming off as a weirdo. More so than not, she’ll know if her friend would dig you. Here you can either get the green light, or the red. But what’s the worse that could happen? You always have to try with no regrets.
RULE #4 – Compliment her style
If you’re finally in the chatting stages of the encounter with the girl you had your sights on, it’s a good sign. Why? Because you’re in a club, and a majority of the time girls really don’t want to chat there. If you’re at loss of words, always remember to compliment what she’s wearing. But not the obvious! Be unique. Compliment her earrings or her shoes, then she’ll know that you’re paying attention to the little characteristics that matter to them.
WHAT NOT TO DO
RULE # 1 – Do not (under any circumstances) attempt to start a conversation…
This is not to say that you are not supposed to ever say a word to the girl who’s been caught more than once glancing in your direction. Whenever those red lights have outlined the fact that you can actually break it down, she’s noticed. Give it three more minutes and the flow of the dance floor will make absolutely sure she’s well within your personal airspace. If you say anything at all, say your name and ask for hers. Take all cues from her which will most likely involve another drink.
If a connection is made and she asks what you’re all about, only disclose enough for her to know you aren’t going to abduct her after the next vodka Redbull. The reasoning behind this is that you don’t want to make yourself into anything but a mystery the first time you meet someone or else they might get a little turned off by your obsession with Wolverine. Keep it casual and there might be time to share your love of raspberry iced tea.
RULE # 2 – Do not sneak up behind her on the dance floor…
Again you’re not Kanye and you aren’t even a close resemblance of a Kanye impersonator. Nor are you in a movie, not even if you’re going to Club Space in Miami during WMC. People as a whole, especially women at a clubs, do not under any circumstances, want the first thing that the notice about you to be the scent of your “Intense ity”, and what the warmth of your panting breath on the back of her neck feels like when your dancing to Tïesto. Sure you can dance, but going straight for the back end of the situation from the beginning is a surefire way for you to get shot down and probably accosted for being a “creep.” Keep it straightforward and within eye-sight at first. If she’s into it she will let you know, very obviously.
RULE # 3 - Don't have the bartender send her a drink
It’s 2009, not 1959. For all intents and purposes chivalry is more than dead in the classical sense. Doing this will surely make an impression on someone, but more likely than not, it will be the opposite of what you are expecting. This is the fastest way to waste your money and get little to no positive response because of the cliché that it has become. Sending a drink to someone is about as presumptuous as coming up behind and grinding into them without even a hello. Approach the girl, tell her your name and ask how her night is going. If she seems interested then buy her a drink. This way you won’t waste your money or your time shooting blindly at a target that could have already hit. Do a little of your own dirty work, and save a few dollars.
RULE # 4 -Don't stare at her until she notices you
You are not a movie star. You are not telepathic. You are not a Jedi. You more closely resemble a serial killer or a pedophile when you do this than some guy that just wants a dance. An occasional glance in her direction is fine every now and then, but no matter how drunk you are and no matter how much it seems like she could be interested in you, the worst thing that you can possibly do to someone is stare at them intensely before you’ve even asked their name or bought them a drink. STOP IT.