Teetotaler Tales: A Non-Drinkers Guide to Going Out

Teetotaler Tales: A Non-Drinkers Guide to Going Out

by David Dexter
05.21.2008

 

When you hear tales of legendary nights, there’s a reason that most don’t start with “Dude, I had so many root beers I didn’t know where I was,” or “You’ll never guess what happened while I was looking for a parking space!” For those of us that live in the “Oh yeah, don’t forget to have a designated driver” fine print of beer commercials, going out means a night of “I don’t know how you do it, you must be so bored.”

While popular culture would lead you to believe that teetotalers have no friends outside of Texas religious compounds, this isn’t entirely true. However, in order to make it through the weekend, non-drinkers need to be prepared.

Here are a few tips on how to make the best of a sober night:

Entertainment 

It’s vitally important to pick a bar with alternative diversions. If you go to a place where getting totally shitfaced is the only activity, then you’re going to be left staring uncomfortably at a midget drunkenly pouring warm tequila on an entire bachelorette party while they dance on the bar. Bar dancing is one thing, but regular dancing is where it’s at if you’re sober. If they’re playing a Gloria Estefan ditty, you’ll be sufficiently intoxicated by the rhythm of the night and you won’t even notice you’re as dry as the Death Valley Temperance Society’s Tuesday bingo gatherings. (Come on, G45!!) Aside from dancing, you can also entertain yourself with pool, darts, pinball, ice chewing, ceiling-tile-counting, and various other activities that are in no way boring.

Be patient

If you go out with drinkers who know you abstain, you’ll meet two divergent categories of barflies freaked out by your sobriety: there are the paranoid, apologetic drunks who are threatened by your steady gait and unslurred speech, and who cope by repeating “I’m so wasted, I’m sorry, man” ad infinitum. Then there’s the fun-loving bro who swears he’ll get you to drink before the night is through: “I’m going to get you hella wasted on brew-dogs by the time we’re done kickin’ it, fool.” You should also be prepared to hear the same stories multiple times, but give your friends a break and act like you haven’t (unless they need help with the details).

There’s always TV

If you’re stuck in a situation where talking is no longer an option, you can turn your attention to the boob tube. Chances are there will be some sporting event on, which is always a good target for mindless staring. The good news these days is that since the NBA Playoffs are on TNT, when the game is over they usually show a bad movie afterwards. For example the Danny Glover joint, “Predator 2”, was on the other night at a bar in my hometown of Chicago. Now there’s a film that has sufficient enough violence and explosions to require no sound at all. If you stay out late enough, maybe you can catch an X-Files marathon. If that’s the case, you should volunteer to be the judge in the “Take a shot whenever Mulder and Scully encounter an alien, two shots for an inbred family” drinking game.

Observe mating rituals

When you get really bored, people-watching usually does the trick to get you back on your toes. Looking around the bar, you can probably spot several dudes going one extra button down on their shirt trying to impress some girl who cuts a nice figure. Since hitting on drunk girls/guys when you’re sober is pretty unfulfilling, watching tanked dudes get turned away is the next best thing.

Excuses, Excuses

When you say you don’t drink, people usually look at you like you have a pair of testicles on your forehead. Because of this, you need to be prepared for the inevitable “Why the hell not?”  Here are some of my favorite responses:

“I won’t drink until my wedding night.”

“I prefer my ale of the ginger variety.”

“I’m afraid of the Untouchables.”

“My ‘I Like Drunk’ and ‘Drunk? Blow here’ t-shirts are in the wash.”


These tips should help you make it through just about any night out. If you start to question your decision, just remember what Frank Sinatra used to say: “I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” Well, at least you’ll be able to get up in the morning.

follow Clubplanet @  
More About Nightlife
Click here for RSS feed
NYC is About to Have It's Cake and Dance With It too
To celebrate the upcoming release of his new double album, “Neon Future”, Dim Mak Records boss and...
CLUBPLANET RADIO: SOLIDISCO
As we say hello to another Friday, we also welcome this week's ClubPlanet Radio and our host,...
DEMF Postponed Until 2015
This year's July 4th celebrations in Detroit are set to a little quieter than expected, as the...
Verboten: Long Awaited, But Worth The Wait
Friday night I lost my Verboten virginity – well sort of. For the past couple of years I’ve come to...
Size In The Park Returns on May 17, 2014
DJ/Producer and Size Records label boss Steve Angello has recently announced the return of...
Armin van Buuren Forced To Cancel Armin Only Chicago Show Following Death in the Family
Dutch electronic dance music DJ Armin van Buuren has canceled his “Armin Only: Intense” show at the...
The Best of the Best, Hans Zimmer to compose Tomorrowland Hymn
Wow, welcome to Tomorrowland 2014.  The most prolific and iconic composer in film...
Know Your Sample
In today's cut throat environment of being a DJ and producer, sampling sounds from an existing...
Tags
anon-drinkers     bars     nighlife     nightout     teetotalers

Log in here to submit a tag

CP Buzz on facebook

NYC is About to Have It's Cake and Dance With It too
To celebrate the upcoming release of his new double album, “Neon Future”, Dim Mak Records boss and...
A Letter From Barak Obama to The Friends and Family of Frankie Knuckles
As the house music community and the world of dance music overall continues to mourn the passing of...
CLUBPLANET RADIO: SOLIDISCO
As we say hello to another Friday, we also welcome this week's ClubPlanet Radio and our host,...
DEMF Postponed Until 2015
This year's July 4th celebrations in Detroit are set to a little quieter than expected, as the...
Verboten: Long Awaited, But Worth The Wait
Friday night I lost my Verboten virginity – well sort of. For the past couple of years I’ve come to...
ClubPlanet Interview: Dirty Vegas
British duo Dirty Vegas are back in the U.S. and reintroducing club crowds to their unique...
ClubPlanet Interview: FERGIE DJ
In keeping with the Irish feel to the day, we decided that we'd play homage to our Guinness...
Artist Spotlight: Audien
Five years after his first track "Rise and Shine" was signed to Ferry Corsten’s...
CLUB PLANET INTERVIEW: Firebeatz
The Electro House genre has more or less become the "Levels" of dance music. Fans are...
CLUBPLANET INTERVIEW: Jamie Schwabl
Jamie Schwabl is a rising star in the DJ world. Her instantly recognizable sound--along with her...