Remember playing “The Oregon Trail” in elementary school? Your teachers thought you were learning important things, but it just filled your young brain with useless information about fording rivers and treating diphtheria. Or DID it? Preparing for Coachella is probably the closest most of us will ever get to embarking on an arduous journey into the desert. But unlike the Oregon Trail, where death-by-cholera just forces you to restart the game, you only get one shot a year at minimizing the hassles at Coachella. When you arrive safely at your destination, you’ll thank us for doing the research.
1) Dress for the weather
If you’ve never been to this little patch of desert, anticipate standard late spring weather—on Mercury. The heat varies year to year, so check out the forecast beforehand to see whether the highs are in the 80s or over 110. If the forecast is leaning towards hellishly sweltering, don’t bother with tank tops, unless you like the smell of your skin burning right off your bones. Wear light-colored, thin shirts that cover your shoulders, hats with brims, SPF 3000, and keep mini travel sticks of deodorant to carry with you all day.
2) Make sure you can stand the people in your car
On the morning of the first day, the I-10 lanes will be clogged with eager attendees for hours. Worse, the standstill pace makes “I Spy” and the license plate game impossible. Bring the albums of the bands at this year’s line-up to keep morale high.
3) Hydrate on the way there
The first-day wait to get into the camping grounds and arena can take hours, so drink enough water to prevent over-heating.
4) And then hide the water
Coachella volunteers will search your bags thoroughly when you’re passing through the gates, throwing out any outside food and water. The $2 Coachella-approved water bottles sold inside the premises will lighten your wallet over the hours spent running around in the sun. “Some people” have successfully weaseled in camel packs full of water that last all day, though it required hiding them in unmentionable places during the bag searches.
5) Expect dust
Remember those Westerns where the train robbers covered their faces with bandanas? We’re not suggesting you go Jesse James for the weekend, but sunglasses will shield your eyes from any errant dust that the breeze will carry. Keep a hanky or face wipes on hand to clean off the residue of sand and sweat accumulating on your forehead.
6) Make sleeping arrangements
And not for crashing in the van that you and your buddies parked under the vindictive desert sun. Camping is the preferred option among partiers and penny-pinchers who don’t want to stay in overpriced rooms at desert motels built solely for this yearly music orgy. Hotels are best for people who like throwing their money into a pit and hate having fun.
7) Don’t rely on your cell phone
Last year coverage was abysmal, so be organized about meeting up at certain times in very specific places lest you lose your entire party in a throng of Prince fans.
8) Cool off
Shade is minimal outside the tents, but the film festival area is mildly air-conditioned.
9) Prioritize
Leaving the Kraftwerk show to take a whiz sounds like a fine plan until you return to find the 300-deep crowd virtually impenetrable. Don’t elbow your way three feet in front of Death Cab and then assume you can slip out for a few minutes to grab a burger.
10) Sophie’s Choice
Accept this now: you will not see all of your favorite bands. Coachella is too big and the line-up is too crowded to guarantee 100% customer satisfaction. Make a top 5 list of your absolute must-see groups and budget time to pop into shows by up-and-coming people. Trying to see every single one of your favoritest bands at Coachella is like shooting 350 pounds of buffalo that you can’t carry back to your wagon.