Are we not a nation of free thinkers? When did we forfeit our freedom to choose the music we listen to? Answer: the moment we walked past that velvet rope. Night after night, DJs from LA to New York to Grand Rapids, MI rape our ears with top 40 tracks fit for a bar mitzvah, while we stand idly by, sipping our Grey-Goose-and-crans. Everyone knows T-Pain's first lady takes 20s, Kanye ain't the first to hate on gold diggers, and goddamnit, if we see another blonde Ukrainian model hobble the Soulja Boy dance, bottles will fly.
Join our fight for freedom by sitting your ass down next time these songs hit the speakers:
1) I'm N Luv (Wit a Stripper) - T-Pain
Yes, that is the official title of the track. And yes, T-Pain does deserve to die along with the song. Sure, some strippers do it to pay for college, but the other 99.999% are greasy whores. But hey, he loves dem stripperz because dey show him love. And for a mere $20, you, too can throw your hotdog down a hallway.
2) Low - Flo Rida
Yet again my homey and I disagree. I LOVE Flo Rida because really, how can I not? His name is Flo Rida and he's from Florida! And while I'd rather cut my wrists horizontally with a dull spatula than wear Apple Bottle Jeans OR boots wit da furrrr, I must say that I enjoy hitting the floor and going low, low, low.
3) Superman - Soulja Boy
This song makes you wish you were an Otolaryngologist doesn't it? For every moron who learned the dance and then proceeded to videotape themselves doing it, there is an intelligent person out there whose ears are bleeding. Dear Mr. DJ. Please stop sucking and get this song off your playlist. And for those of you who do enjoy the song, an Otolaryngologist is an ear specialist. Get it?
4) Superstar - Lupe Fiasco
Hey you. Over there. Waving that bottle of Goose in the air. This song isn't about you. It's about superstars. You know, those people who didn't have to buy three bottles to get in. You're ugly. And from Jersey.
5) Flashing Lights - Kanye West
Talk about a buzz kill. As soon as this slow-ass song comes on, everyone does the "bob." You know, when you stand in place and bend your knees to the beat. The universal "I-don't-know-how-to-dance" dance.
6) Golddigger - Kanye West
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Girls are gold diggers, blah, blah, blah.
7) Crazy in Love – Beyonce
If people enjoy songs because they can relate to them, then why is Crazy in Love playing in clubs? I mean, people who are crazy in love aren't drowning themselves in Long Island Ice Teas. They're at home. Having sex. Multiple times. For a more appropriate song that would better describe the club scene demographic, please try Lil Wayne's I Feel Like Dying.
8) The Way I Are - Timbaland
This song was made for the clubs and while it's great to dance to, the message is just all wrong. He ain't got no money. He ain't got no money to take you on a date. He can't even buy you flowers. He don't even got a Visa. Stop bopping your head because you're dating the barback, sweetie. At least you get in for free.
9) SexyBack - Justin Timberlake
Justin brought sexy back last year. LAST YEAR. It's really like seeing the same bright light every day and still being amused by it. If you don't play it, maybe he'll finally make something new.
10) Don't Stop the Music – Rihanna
Ain't it clever when they play songs about clubs in clubs? Maybe when they did it the first 500 times. We know you want to beat Beyonce and the way to do this is by making new music. We hear Justin is free. Go make music together.