Clubplanet of the Apes - Premiere Issue

Welcome to Clubpanet 3.0.  No more sugar, no more fat. Just straight up meaty goodness.  And with that, we bring you Clubplanet of the Apes—a weekly celebration of all things hailing from the land of Uglystan and Douchedom. 

Why CP of the Apes? It’s not often you strike gold in your own backyard.  While poring through photos in our endless arsenal of party shots, I came across the gem you see above in our header (minus all the fancy lettering, of course).  Shuddering and half blind, I couldn’t help but wonder: Where are these women from? Who decided doilies are proper evening attire?  What crack were the bouncers smoking when they let these homo erecti in?? I decided that it was about time we bring these and other unfortunate folks to the forefront of this site and examine them under the harsh light of day.  For the sake of education, for the sake of nightlife, and for the sake of those staring at the juicy T&A in our photos section that stumble across these monstrosities.

And now, for your consideration, the Clubplanet Apes of the week:

1) Contrary to popular opinion, the female of our species do have the ability to become douchebags. Especially when exposed to a male alpha-douche.  All it takes is a pair of blunt shears, a colorful smattering of Von Dutch hats, vending machine jewelry and a yayed-up Where’s Waldo impersonator to complete the look.  You, too, can be dripping with Von Douchiness for no more than $10 at your local Wal-Mart.

2) I’m fine with us moving to Mars, Mercury or even that sad excuse for a non-planet we call Pluto.  But there’s no way I’d support exploration of Jupiter.  Why? Too much gravity.  A planet that size has enough gravity to weigh down your eye sockets, breasts and stretch your clitoris out into a full-sized penis. You’d come out looking like Tara Reid having a stroke, or worse, a hermaphrodite stripper on crack. 

3) Diana: Naomi, stop it.  I can understand making fun of those other people for making poor choices, but we can’t dog people for being ugly, even if they are.  I mean, she’s trying to cover up at least. The only poor choice this woman made was not wearing a bag on her head.  Oh no, Naomi, you took me to the dark side. I don’t want to be on the dark side!

4) Oh look, it's cokehead Waldo again. And he has a twin! 

5) Isn't that Jen from Dark Crystal? If you were ever wondering what happened to your favorite gelfling, worry no more.  It looks like she's smoked one too many of those crystal shards.