Come the next morning, when the sun shines down to reveal what an evening of masochism has imparted you, isn’t the first question to ooze out of your skull is always, “What the hell happened last night?”
Well, look no further dear reader, as the tireless researchers at Clubplanet, foremost experts on self-intoxication and humiliation, have culled a list of nighttime mnemonic tips to keep your memory sharp even if your reflexes aren’t.
Some mnemonic devices to help you avoid hangovers:
1. Drink and dial… yourself
Harness the uncontrollable urge to call your ex by blowing up your own box. That's right. Every time you witness something worth remembering, just dail "1," and relay the evening's events guilt-free. Imagine how happy you'll be the next day when you see 37 new messages waiting just for you.
2. Forgo the fisticuffs
Studies have shown that brain trauma caused by physical combat is likely to cause temporary memory damage. So by all means, keep your shirt on and your machismo to yourself. We all know your steroid-soaked body can withstand a blow from a human Mack truck, but your steroid-soaked pea brain probably couldn’t.
3. Repeat, recite, remember
It works when you’re sober, so wouldn’t it when you’re sloshed?
4. Outsource the memory capture
Weddings have the right idea by dishing out cheap disposable cameras to friends who do the legwork for the inebriated bride and groom. But for the night, all you need is one camera and one volunteer. Just be sure to remember who volunteered lest your drunk ass ends up on the internet as a fake MasterCard priceless ad.
More strategies for avoiding hangovers:
5. Renounce Routine
People tend to remember the unusual. Be sure to surround yourself with those society deems so whenever possible.
6. Follow your baser instincts
One study has shown that drinking impairs controlled, intentional memory. Therefore, limit yourself to primal, reflexive behavior when conducting the evening. Flatulence, drooling, sniveling, and rambling on and on are all acceptable behavior. Just try not to soil yourself too much.
7. Don’t drink
8. Shock yourself sober
Each time you experience something you want to remember, be sure to have a portable pocket-shocker/stun gun handy. Nothing like a piercing jolt to jar your mind into alertness.
9. Jedi mind tricks
You’re seeing double, can barely stand and yet find yourself with another fresh vodka tonic in your palm. It’s the perfect Jedi challenge! Try your best to consume the cocktail telepathically. If you stare at it long enough, it will eventually disappear. Someone will pry from you, or you’ll just pass out. (Okay, so maybe this doesn’t help you remember anything)
And our favorite and most effective method of memory recall for the morning after…
10. Drink more come morning
According to published studies, the events of the intoxicated state are stored in memory, but are irretrievable in a normal state of consciousness. However, the next time you throw a few back, you’ll notice that all of a sudden, you can recall many of the things from previous periods of intoxication. Well if this doesn’t give us another excuse to drink, I’m not sure what does. Cheers!