When you get right down to it, I learned two things in college. First, hangovers and how to cure them. Being a generally lazy person, I often employed the au naturel method of staying in my twin extra-long bed all day with the curtains drawn and a pack of frozen peas on my forehead. Sometimes I’d supplement this by wreaking further havoc on my liver with a double dose of ibuprofen (ain’t modern chemistry grand?). Occasionally, I’d fancy myself a proactive, go-getter type and fight that bugger off with the bagel, coffee, and Gatorade triple threat before attempting to have a somewhat productive day. Or I’d just postpone the inevitable and drink some more.
This brings me to the other thing I learned in college—procrastination. As the late Aaron Burr (the dude who killed Alexander Hamilton in a duel) once said, “Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow. Delay may give clearer light as to what is best to be done.” Delay certainly did not give much of anything to my grades, though Burr did get away with murder and go on to be Vice President of the United States. Clearly, whether this is the most effective way to go about life is up for debate, but one thing sure isn’t—procrastination is way more fun.
Essex
120 Essex St (at Rivington)
212-533-9616
www.essexnyc.com
The biggest bang for your buck used to be found at the restaurant attached to the LES’s Essex Street Market. Though the price has gone up and the drinks are no longer unlimited, it’s still not a bad deal--$15 will get you three (do you really need more than that anyway?) screwdrivers, bloody marys, or mimosas, coffee, and a choice from 18 options on the Jewish-Latino fusion (seriously) menu including gravlax, a Cuban sandwich, and “Mexican Matzo.” Take comfort in the fact that you’re not the only one who’s confused.
Kate's Joint
58 Ave B (at 4th St)
212-777-7059
Brunch isn’t about being healthy, but that doesn’t mean you can’t pretend. An East Village vegetarian/vegan staple for years, the brunch deal at Kate’s is sure to please even those for whom the mere phrase “textured soy protein” is more nauseating than that last unnecessary shot of tequila. For $8.95 you get one drink (beer, wine, screwdriver, or bloody mary), endless coffee, and one of the usual suspects like omelets, pancakes, or huevos rancheros. And fear not, the soy cheese is optional.
McAleer’s Pub
425 Amsterdam Ave (between 80th & 81st Sts)
212-874-8037
www.mcaleerspub.com
Whoever came up with the “buy one, get the rest free” deal at this Upper West Side old school pub deserves a Nobel Prize. Or, you know, a really super hearty pat on the back. Yes, when you buy one bloody mary, screwdriver, mimosa, or tomato beer (whatever that is) during brunch, you get the rest of them for free. The food isn’t messing around either—Bailey’s Irish Cream pancakes with ham, bacon, or sausage and Guinness-battered cod filet with fries or onion rings continue the boozy theme. Hey, at least you’ll die happy.
Libation
137 Ludlow St
212-529-2153
www.libationnyc.com
Sorry, you do actually have to go home first. For those who can’t get enough of the club scene, this Uptown-esque downtown giant reopens its doors at noon for a helluva brunch deal. For the price of one Blahblahtini on 27th Street, you’ll get three drinks (you know what your choices are by now) and classic brunch fare with a twist, like the “Vanilla Bean French Toast” or “Wild Mushroom Omelette”. And, for once, there’s no velvet rope to worry about.
Lighthouse Tavern
243 5th Avenue (between Carroll & Garfield), Brooklyn
718-788-8070
www.lighthousetavern.net
It just might be worth a trek out to Park Slope for this one. They’ve got the regular brunch deal of entrée, coffee, alcoholic beverage, and cookie (aww…), and then they’ve got the other brunch deal--$34.95 for AUCD. That’s “All U Can Drink” wine, beer, and whatever concoctions the friendly bartenders feel like making. That may seem like overkill for just brunch, but stretched out over four hours it makes sense. And, with billiards and darts, a smoking garden, sports on TV, board games, a mini-library, and a couch, those four hours will seem far too short.