-Jeff WilserThe bad news? North Korea detonated a nuclear bomb. The good news? Paris and Nicole have buried the hatchet, announced plans for a new season of The Simple Life, and are now officially BFFFRTTs (Best Friends Forever For Real This Time). So in terms of global peace, it's a wash.
This news, coupled with Paris' bizarre nightclub fistfight with Shanna Moakler at Hyde, demands a little something extra. In honor of all the glorious over-exposure that Paris has given to nightlife, it's time for us to give something back. A handy timeline for your reference, something that chronicles her greatest clubbing hits.
Is this list comprehensive? Oh no. Nooooo. Listing every one of Paris' nip slips, hook-ups, club debacles, and fiancés would demand a bandwidth that we can't afford, a bandwidth that no one can afford. But if one of your fave Paris moments didn't make the cut, add it in the Comments section below.
THE EARLY YEARSFebruary 17, 1981 - Paris Whitney Hilton is born.
THE RESTEarly 2000 - One of her first blips on the paparazzi radar is being seen at NYC nightclubs with Leonardo DiCaprio, one of the very few celebrities skinnier and more effeminate than she is.
February 17, 2002 - For her 21st birthday, she threw not one party, not two..but FIVE parties--in New York, LA, Vegas, London, and Tokyo. Because now she can finally order a drink in public, something she had never, ever, ever been allowed to do before.
March 9, 2003 - At Prive in Miami, Paris makes out with lesbian uber-promoter Ingrid Casares, the one-time girlfriend of Madonna. It's one of many Paris-faux-sapphic moments, which also includes (alleged) lip-locks with Christina Aguilera
August 2003 - The world premiere of the sex tape "1 Night in Paris," which, in hindsight, is easily one of the 10 best career moves that any celeb has made in the past decade.
May 2004 - Now you, too, can smell just like Paris! (Or how she smells before 2 am, preferably.) The release of "Paris Hilton" perfume. Her secret to the fragrance? " I mixed all these scents together...it smells so good."
Fall 2004 - Paris becomes a best-selling author, releasing
Confessions of an Heiress: A Tongue-in-Chic Peek Behind the Pose. It becomes a New York Times bestseller.
October 2004 - Paris has "That's hot" officially trademarked.
October 2004 - It's no longer funny to say "That's hot."
2004 Presidential Election - Paris champions the democratic process for (then) P-Diddy's "Vote or Die" campaign. She didn't vote. She didn't die.
December 31, 2004 - Paris unleashes her own chain of nightclubs, "Club Paris" in the nightlife capital of the world…. Orlando. She's six hours late to the opening, arriving after many of the guests left.
Feb 19, 2005 - The great Sidekick Scandal. Paris' phone contacts, e-mails, and (nude) photos are "leaked" onto the internet, which again has the happy result of giving her gobs and gobs of free publicity.
April 20, 2005 - Paris shocks a nation saying, "It's no big secret that Nicole and I are no longer friends."
October 19, 2005 - Tom Sizemore claims he had sex with Paris when she was a teenager, and that he has the tape to prove it. Maybe Sizemore was hoping for a PR sensation that never materialized, but he didn’t count on two things: 1) a Paris sex tape was no longer news; 2) he was Tom Sizemore.
November 3, 2005 - At one of Paris' parties, Christian Slater fell off her roof, one of the only times she emerged from the night as the mature, responsible party.
December 23, 2005 - Temporarily banned from LAX--allegedly--for talking smack about Nicole Richie.
December 31, 2005 - Paid $100,000 to count down the ball-drop for the New Year's party at Tao. She showed up half an hour late.
January 17, 2006 - Paris reveals her secret codes to the world. “My friends and I have code words and phrases that we use when we need help. If I say to them, ‘Tiffany is crying!’ then they know to jump in. That’s one we use a lot. And then we run away.”
January 22, 2006 - Scoops up 85% of the swag from Sundance.
March 7, 2006 - Denied entrance to the Vanity Fair post-Oscar party. An outrage. Especially given her fine performance in "The House of Wax."
March 8, 2006 - Slapped with a restraining order from event producer Brian Quintana (who accused her of having a drinking problem, drug problem, and an STD), after Quintana reported harassment and death threats.
May 16, 2006 - Paris and Lindsay get into a spat at Hyde, hinting at the ensuing Firecrotch controversy that would engulf the nation and threaten our very culture, putting the silly Iraq conflict into perspective.
May 27, 2006 - The firecrotch inferno between Paris, Lindsay Lohan, Stavros Niarchos, and Brandon Davis comes to an anticlimactic conclusion at the original scene of the crime, Hyde. As Paris chilled with Nicky and Courtney Love at a VIP table, Lindsay waltzed over, sat down, and started blithely chatting away.
July 14, 2006 - Kneeling in front of her spokesperson (photo, right), Paris swears off sex for a year.
August 29, 2006 - The day is proclaimed "Paris Hilton Day" by the mayor of Las Vegas. Paris celebrates at Pure.
June 10, 2006 - In Vegas, seen flirting with Andy Roddick at Tao, and later on a VIP bed at Pure.
July 7, 2006 - Paris is not a partier, she's a professional. "If you see pictures of me out, I’m being paid," Paris said. "When I turn up at an event it is work. People don’t think I’m shy but I am. When the cameras are there and they are taking pictures then it’s my job.”
September 4, 2006 - "You're not on the list." Gets denied from the VMA afterparty at Bungalow 8. She cried to the bouncers. They still didn't let her in.
September 7, 2006 - Paris formerly arrested for a DUI. She claimed she was speeding to get a burger from In-N-Out.
September 11, 2006 - Paris caught making out with Travis Barker at Butter, and then later Marquee.
September 13, 2006 - "You're not on the list - Part 2" Paris denied entrance to a party at the Gramercy Park Hotel.
September 22, 2006 - When questioned by the police about a robbery of Girls Gone Wild producer Joe Francis, Paris said, "Like I really... I don't remember. I'm not, like, that smart. I, like, forget stuff all the time."
October 4, 2006 - At Hyde (where else?), Paris and Shanna Moakler have their epic fracas, complete with the usual catfight trappings: an ex-boyfriend (Travis Barker), thrown drinks, and bitchslaps to the face.
October 9, 2006 The world is shocked when Paris' ____ was caught on camera. Ha. Right. Is there anything--ANYTHING--that you could put in that blank that would actually shock people
