The best way to quickly avoid the random sleazy drunks who won’t leave you alone? Lie. You don’t have to pull a Jennifer-Garner-in-
Alias-style cover-up to do it effectively. Just make sure your friends are in on it – though it’s not really cool to get them to lie for you, they may actually enjoy it if they’re drunk enough – and keep them informed enough so they won’t blow your cover. Need some hints on what to say? Here are Clubplanet’s favorite anti-flirty personas you can adopt.
1. The Goody-Goody A “good girl” doesn’t lead to a good time in the mind of the average drunk dude. Casually mention that you’re a student at a Bible college, or that the kids in your Sunday school class make your life worth living. To really run the point home, ask about his last experience talking with God, and bring up that you only drink (and actually enjoy the taste of!) non-alcoholic beer. Trust us – he’ll be gone as fast as you can say “Amen.”
2. The Foreigner This one may not work if you’re white as a ghost, but everyone else with a minority background can simply pretend that they don’t speak English. Stare blankly at the domineering drunk, apologetically shake your head, and murmur “No…talk…” over and over. How can someone who doesn’t speak English hang at an American bar? Just think of how many of your friends know no other Spanish phrase other than “Una cerveza, por favor.” Yeah, we thought so.
3. The Out-of-Towner Avoid unwanted attention by saying upfront you’re only in town for a business trip. If he or she is looking for a date, you obviously won’t be around for one; if he or she is looking for a quick hookup, apologize about your early conference call tomorrow morning. To seem more authentic and borderline obnoxious, rave about how shiny the Empire State Building is and rant about the ridiculousness of city traffic.
4. The Family Woman For some super-skeevy guys, mentioning your boyfriend, fiancé, or husband still doesn’t give clear “back off” signs. If someone asks what harm giving out your number would really do to your relationship, just tell him you’re pregnant with your significant other’s child. The combination of the shock of that statement, the quick glance at your stomach, and the long stare at your drink should send him running. Fast.
The last one's for the gents:
5. The Switch-Hitter Though this one won’t work for the ladies (we all know what the average male response to attractive lesbians will be), it’s pretty safe to drop the “Sorry, I’m gay” line if you’re a guy. The typical drunk female response will probably be something along the lines of “Ugh! All the hot guys are!,” followed by a question about her shoes. Just respond with the safe “They make your legs look longer,” and you should be set.