How to Build Confidence When Talking to Girls

How to Build Confidence When Talking to Girls

by Clubplanet
05.12.2006

-By Dan Abbruscato

You've been there. Maybe you were tongue-tied, trying to think of something to say to the mid-driffed beauty across the bar. Or you beat yourself up because you once again didn’t know what to say to the cutie in the sweatshirt you’ve seen at the produce aisle for the twenty-fifth time. But we've all been there -- feeling more like Clark Kent than Superman.

The key to being able to have a decent conversation with the opposite sex: building confidence. Nobody wants to deal with a needy, clingy person who constantly needs affirmation from the people they’re with. It gets very old. It's not sexy.

However, finding the inner-James Bond is easier said that done. It’s not something that can be turned on like a switch. Just like any other skill, it has to be learned, practiced. Here are some ways that will steer you in the right direction to being a smooth operator.

Mentally Prepare Yourself

Before you change anything about yourself, you have to want to change. There has to be some reason behind the wallflower, so get to the bottom of what is keeping you back and get past the block.

This is the toughest hurdle to get past because everyone has their hang ups and insecurities. You have to be happy with you before you can try to draw other people towards your personality. It may mean you have to go back to the gym. It may mean that you need to cut back on the Little Debbie Snack Cakes. It may just mean that you only need watch Springer and laugh at the yokels.

Do what you think is necessary. Once you embrace that and work on your foibles and features, the biggest green light that you are on your way is when you...

Stop Caring

As En Vogue once said: “Free your mind, and the rest will follow.” Once you get pleased with where and who you are, this should come naturally. You shouldn’t need other people to prop you up. You’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like you.

stuart smalley.jpg

Once you stop letting what random strangers think of you hold you back, you’ll be on your way. Get comfortable in your own skin, and that attitude will surround you like an aura that people will detect.

Talk to Everybody

Your Mama said “Never talk to strangers.” While this was great advice when you were twelve, it no longer applies. You have to get comfortable talking to people who don’t know you. To do this, never pass up an opportunity to have a banal conversion with anybody. And I do mean anybody.

Waiter, clerk at the store, the coffee guy at Starbucks, the guy behind you in line, basically anyone that asks “How are you doing today?” should be viewed as an opportunity to practice the art of Having a Conversation About Nothing, be they male or female.

Talk about the weather, sports, the jackass in front of you who took ten minutes to look at the menu and still couldn’t order correctly, whatever is around you. All you’re doing is helping yourself gain a comfort level with yourself and others. The best way to learn to talk to people is by speaking with those who you don’t want anything from.

Once you’re comfortable with that, you can start talking with women that you wouldn’t normally talk to. You don’t have to go after the model-hot beauties off the bat, start with the women who are lower on your ratings scale and then work your way up.

Once you’ve got a good level of comfort with that, you’re ready for the last phase. Get ready to drop at least $100 because it’s time to…

Go to a Strip Club

Yup, that’s right. Face your demons head on. You’re having issues talking to beautiful women, well what better place to deal with that than a club where they’re all easy on the eyes and most of them are topless? If you can’t maintain your focus and cool there, you stand no chance elsewhere. Now, before you go, keep some things in mind:

• Don’t be that guy: You know him. The guy at the topless bar who is there alone. The women flock to him like hyenas on a wounded gazelle and he’s broke before he knows where he is. Every guy has at least one male friend who knows entirely too much about strip clubs and is more than willing to go given any opportunity. In a subtle way suggest you’re thinking about a titty bar outing and he’ll be there by your side probably with little prompting.

strip club loser.jpg

• Follow Vegas Rules: Go in with a budget, and don’t go outside that budget. There’s a reason why the ATMs in those places have a $10 transaction fee. People pay them.

• You have no shot with her: This can’t be stressed enough. You have no chance. She doesn’t care. This woman gets paid by making guys feel like a million bucks thinking that she cares about everything they say. And she gets paid well. Don’t be that schlep who thinks “She really likes me. I’m different.” She doesn’t. You’re not.

Once you’re there, relax, chill out. Resist the urge to chortle like Beavis and Butthead. Girls will walk up to you and ask you if you want company. If they ask “Want a dance?” politely say “no, thanks.” You’re actually there for conversation, not just for the bump and grind. However if she asks something to the effect of “Want some company?” and you find her striking, offer her a seat (in a chair, don’t be crude).

Once she’s there, strike up a conversation using the skills you’ve practiced. Hell, why lie to her? Tell her flat out why you’re there. She’ll probably find it endearing. Once you’ve spoken with her a little bit and get a comfort level, you’ll stop focusing on the fact that there’s a hot girl talking to you. Get into the flow of the conversation and just relax.

Now, while you’re there, feel free to get a few dances, but be sure at the bare minimum to pay the lady for her time. She’s not there to hang out, she’s working.

Once you've built your confidence, check out what Dan had to say about approaching a girl at a bar.
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