What Not to Wear

What Not to Wear

by Jeff Wilser
11.08.2007

No one likes a style snob. No one likes the "rules." But when it comes to nightlife fashion, there are some things you just don't do. Timing counts. Sometimes, for whatever mysterious reasons, a trend looks hot one year, and then as silly as Kevin Federline the next.

Wear the following at your own risk.

Glow Sticks
Think of it like Vegas. What happened in the 90s, stays in the 90s.

Male Capris
Once every five years, Gap tries to make us believe that guys would look really, really hot if they're dressed like little lads from Scotland. And once every five years, a few suckers fall for it.

glow sticks.jpg
Black lip liner
Good rule of thumb: if something looks good in a vampire movie, it won't look good in a club.

Khakis
Appropriate for Sunday mass with Grandma. And nothing else.

Blackberry clipped to a belt
As sexy as a flowing mane of back hair. Sends the following message: "Hello! I'm a junior manager for a high-tech consulting firm! I'm not very good in bed. But that's only because I haven't had many chances. I'll take you to four-star restaurants and then let you walk all over me!"

Shirts with a big sideways stripe
No trend better illustrates the fickle, who-the-hell-knows nature of fashion. For whatever reasons, the Gods of Style have decreed that vertical stripes are fine--encouraged, even--but horizontal stripes should be mocked. Hey. We don't make the rules.

The girl poncho
Two years ago, it was awfully fun to pay $700 to dress up like a peasant farmer. The poncho is still all the rage . . . with girls in junior high.

Male leather pants
No.

Dork.jpg
"Dork" t-shirts
Those shirts that literally say "Dork" on them. Or any shirt that attempts to convey, through irony, that because you say "Dork," you're actually not a dork. It's not cute. It's not clever. And it's played out. Dork.

Sunglasses
Just because you're playing the wingman doesn't mean that you need to look like Goose. Ladies, this one goes for you too. Nothing says "try hard" like sunglasses in the dark.

Birkenstocks
It's okay to be that sensitive guy who loves to read Kundera. It is. But save the man-dles for picnics and lazy, sun-speckled afternoons on the campus quad. And trust us. No one wants to see your nails and your toe-fungus.

Flip-flops with white socks
. . . But a solution for toe-fungus is not white socks.

Visors
You're not on the golf course. And in the thousands of bars across the nation, I've yet to find one that's illuminated by a light that's so bright, so searing, that it requires a protective visor.

polo.jpg
Polos
Leave it on your imaginary yacht. Or back in Hoboken.

Cargo pants
Perfect for a safari. But for a Saturday night dancing, how much cargo do you really need?

Backpack purses
If your purse can fit the yellow pages, you should probably leave it at home .

The male ass-crack
It doesn't matter if you're a male model. It doesn't matter if you're Brad Pitt. With the male ass-crack, you look like a plumber. Buy a belt. Unless it's a . . .

Braided leather belt
Man, those were hot in 7th grade. But it's time to move on.

Neon
Gaudy, flashy, and crying out for attention. On second thought, maybe this is the reason for visors.

Wife Beaters
Makes girls look cute, makes guys look like thugs. No one said fashion was fair. Maybe you can chalk it up to this: with girls, there's no chance of seeing chest hair. (We hope.)

Uggs2.JPG
Uggs
You have to question any style that's based on the following premise: girls look sexy with big feet.

Weed-wacking protective goggles
Curiously popular in 2001, these goggles take "Safety First" to an absurd new level. Relax. You're not mowing your lawn. And unless you're Leonardo DiCaprio, you're not going to get hit in the face with broken glass.

Loafers with no socks
1984. Over twenty years. Four U.S. presidents. That's how long its been since Miami Vice. Let it go.

Guys in shiny shirts
If your fabric reflects light, give it to Goodwill. And don't be surprised if they refuse it, just like the bottom of the muffin.

Trucker Hats
They're so out, even jokes about them are out.

And the most important rule:
Don't be a slave to the rules. If you can pull it off, then pull it off. If you've got the confidence and the charisma, hell, you can take a pillowcase, cut out some holes for your neck and arms, and be the first to "rock the pillow." Go for it.

(But we're serious about the Glow Sticks.)



Want to add your own nightlife fashion "Don'ts?" Or take exception to ours? Sound off in the Comments section below.
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